Groucho Marx Quotes

Groucho Marx Quotes: A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Author: Groucho Marx
Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
Author: Groucho Marx
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Author: Groucho Marx
I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.
Author: Groucho Marx
Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her:
Author: Groucho Marx
If you were a man, you'd go into businessfor yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just acanoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, ifthat's your idea of a good time.
Author: Groucho Marx
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Author: Groucho Marx
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Author: Groucho Marx
Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much
Author: Groucho Marx
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
Author: Groucho Marx
There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.
Author: Groucho Marx
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
Author: Groucho Marx
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
Author: Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Author: Groucho Marx
Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.
Author: Groucho Marx
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
Author: Groucho Marx
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
Author: Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Author: Groucho Marx
Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have? Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army? Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.
Author: Groucho Marx
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
Author: Groucho Marx