Fred Allen Quotes

Fred Allen Quotes: I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
Author: Fred Allen
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.
Author: Fred Allen
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
Author: Fred Allen
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Author: Fred Allen
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Author: Fred Allen
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
Author: Fred Allen
The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
Author: Fred Allen
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Author: Fred Allen
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Author: Fred Allen
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Author: Fred Allen
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
Author: Fred Allen
Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris - daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs.
Author: Fred Allen
Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.
Author: Fred Allen
All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
Author: Fred Allen
My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.
Author: Fred Allen
On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
Author: Fred Allen
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose
Author: Fred Allen
Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.
Author: Fred Allen
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
Author: Fred Allen