Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.
My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.
With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.
You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.
That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer... but no one will do it.
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch
I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.
We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.
I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.